separation anxiety.

i'll be honest, i go through bouts of guilt for not keeping my blog up to date, however, it usually doesn't get me in front of my blog any more frequent. i feel like i've robbed august the same early years documenting that i gave oliver. the photos are still there...and when i say "there", i mean on a hard drive, not yet incorporated into a post of any kind. but i can't even get started on the hot mess i've turned my hard drive into. ugh. it's on the list of resolutions.

i've felt compelled to begin posting again. i find mucho inspiration, daily, through the blogs that i follow. so, lately, i have found myself sitting in bed composing a clever blog post. if only 'they' would have invented a thought translator already...i mean, c'mon people, i need that! my daily accomplishments are relying on this mystical piece of awesome-ness i just thought up. i'll post my favorites below...i actually access them all through a nifty site Bloglovin'. you can actually search babyschweitzberger.blogspot.com and follow my posts through the site!

i wanted to take a moment to update the past couple of months of the happenings behind the scenes with michael + leyna = michaeleyna. in fact, michael + leyna did not equal michaeleyna at all. a couple of weeks before christmas, a lot of ongoing turmoil came to a head. somewhere in the mass chaos of babies and moving and jobs and balancing of life the previous four years, michael & i had been on downhill spiral of doom. we lacked the healthy building blocks of a relationship to keep michaeleyna afloat. our communication was horrendous, our priorities were skewed and reality was easier avoided than faced. michael made the tough decision to separate from me. this is something that i shared with only family and very close friends. and even as i write this now, it's cloudy and confusing to recall and gives me a bit of anxiety. but i will share on. in all honesty, it broke my heart into a million little pieces. i was lost. and i just wished that someone would have shaken me & shouted 'leyna! straighten up or he will leave you'. but, unfortunately, i did not get this wake up call. i had to stay strong and focused for the boys. everything that i had relied on, been comforted by and took for granted walked out the door with his bags packed and tearful eyes. so how did i survive? i wrote a lot. i set aside a space for me to reflect and question and vent and try to comb through what little i felt i had left. a big part of my heart was missing. we made a verbal agreement to share our time with the boys. a week on and a week off. things were so unknown at this point. the future seemed like an unbearable waiting period for me. i wanted to fast forward and numb myself of the devastation. during my week on, i learned to stay organized, strong and focused. my week off, i was lost. for the first time in 4 years, i didn't have a little person/people to care for. to answer to. to take to daycare or give orange juice to. i stayed at my parents house, which was a great support system. but just two houses south...were my boys. the boys i couldn't go home to or snuggle or give baths to. and to honor our agreement, i had to overcome these urges.  we also agreed to work on our 'selves'.

this gave me the best opportunity to take time for myself. i felt guilty in doing so previous to this experience. if i took time for me. if i made plans to be away from the house. if i stayed late at work. i just hadn't realized the importance of taking time for myself and also how important it was for me to not feel guilt because i did. i called my therapist (yes, i have one of those) and began a fascinating therapy called Life Span Integration. a compelling and powerful treatment...seriously, it blew my mind the first session i had. i also revisited my previous plan for combating my depression. after my psychologist (yes, i have one of those too) diagnosed me with major depression, it was like a baseball bat to the frontal lobe. long story short, through the discovery of cognitive behavioral therapy and mindfulness, i've completely taken a daily anti-depressant out of my life! i contribute this to reading the book peaceful mind.

shortly after our new transition...and things began to feel a little more tolerable (a little tolerable, it still sucked big time)...we made the decision to forge through our difficulties, support each other and contribute to each others needs in the relationship. we lost track of all of that in the past four years. we agreed that we had so much invested and both really loved each other. it's been a blessing, in retrospect, for our separation to happen. if you asked me during the split, i would not have ever admitted it, but it was. we needed a giant adult time out. to reflect, to refocus and to realize how we loved each other. changes needed to be made. and although changes don't always happen over night, small steps, deep breaths and a better outlook on life...we will get there. we call it out 'starting over'. which is a little deceiving, b/c we still have a house and kids and lives that are already interwoven...but it's a new start to building a strong foundation for which we can stand on. and grow old together.

one of the other activities i did on my off weeks, was look through this blog. and my posts. and i soon discovered how happy i was, even though the storms we had gone through. so, i want to continue documenting...i promise it won't (more than likely) get this deep. but i had to get that off my shoulders and move forward. thank you for your support & i have so much more to share!

and this was the first photo i shared on my very first blog post!

here's my bloglovin' read list:

abeautifulmess.com - a lot of diy and design
joannagoddard.blogspot.com - fun lifestyle, ideas and websites shared!
dooce.com - have read this one for a couple years now! still makes me pee my pants laughing!
ohhappyday.com - diy and party ideas...plus it's just a fun title =)
bleubirdblog.com - cool fashion, products and photography, she does a weekly post of her kiddos (i maybe really need to try & catch up & continue this for 2014)
dashandbella.blogspot.com - recent find...b/c i loved this post
katiespencilbox.com - love the lighting
smileandwave.typepad.com/blog - lots of kiddo stuff and fun giveaways
thebandwifeblog.com - creative gal!
and last but not least...
weseekjoy.blogspot.se - for her 'babies ruin bodies' post... b/c they do, but it's sooooo worth it  ;)


and now that i've taken some time to compose this...the house looks like a tornado went through a pixie stix factory and spewed 500 toys all over the living room. ps, i'm home with the boys, influenza a, that's a whole notha post.